The
first glance. The first hand-hold. The first kiss. The first date. The first time.
There
are many important firsts in a relationship, but some are more meaningful than
others. My favorite first has got to be
the first fart.
The
first fart may or may not be intentional.
It could happen while sitting on a couch watching a movie and someone
lets one rip then laughs with a sort of pride about their own fart. This is usually the way that first farts
happen when you are in high school or dating college boys…or just immature men,
of which, I assure you I am an expert.
When you get older, wiser, more mature, and all the other good things
that supposedly come with age, the first fart usually happens in a different,
albeit, more embarrassing way. It may
happen on accident like when you are sitting on someone’s lap, and despite your
impressive sphincter control, you laugh too hard and it pops right out. It might happen because of that ethnic food
you insisted on trying for your date because you were trying to be exotic and
exciting.
My
most favorite first fart experience so far happened last Saturday night. When I was home for Christmas I reconnected
with a man from my past with whom I had a lot of history with but the timing was
always terrible. We instantly fell right
into each other’s arms again and he bought a plane ticket to come visit me in
NYC. He is an incredibly sweet, polite,
soft-spoken man who has no idea how incredibly gorgeous and sexy he is. It’s slightly intimidating. Which is why what happened on Saturday was a
welcomed blessing to level the playing field.
We were laying in bed after deciding to ditch our crazy night-on-the-town
plans and he was falling asleep while I was finishing up Freaks and Geeks (I
know, I am way late on that train). Out of nowhere, ripping loudly over my laptop
speakers and noisy radiator, came a vibrating fart so intense that it startled
him awake. With one quick jerk of his entire
body he was alert and his head snapped to the left looking at me with stunned,
wide eyes. I could have been sweet and
acted like I didn’t hear anything, but a fart that startled him awake like that?…I
wouldn’t have been fooling anyone. It
was obvious I had heard and it was literally impossible for me to stop cracking
up for about five minutes. I am sure his
stomach felt much better after his debut fart, but my stomach was now sore from
all the laughter. Honestly though, it
kind of made me want to love him.
Although
I am not opposed to initiating the lean-in for the first kiss I like to let the
guys take the lead on this particular first.
And let’s be clear here, I am still a lady. Just because a guy farts in front of me for
the first time doesn’t mean it is free reign to let the flatulence fly. I try to let mine creep out as silent as
possible when I am in the company of others, and only when absolutely
necessary, then I vehemently deny that I was to blame for the stench. I try.
That’s not always exactly how it happens.
The
benefit of the first fart is that it provides you with an opportunity to laugh
and bond over a perfectly normal, and might I add, healthy, bodily
function. Kind of like an inside
joke. You just shared a semi-private
moment and you handled it with a cool, carefree sense of humor. Kudos.
Crossing
that first fart threshold marks the beginning of a new chapter in your
relationship. It is when people stop
being on their best behavior and start just being them selves. Do you think married couples hold their farts
in?
I
have a friend who used to walk into another room to fart ever since she was a
little kid. She wouldn’t fart in front
of her parents and towards the beginning of our friendship she would walk into
another room to do her tooting.
Eventually we became roommates and at some point she stopped leaving the
room to fart. There comes a time when it
is just too much trouble and when you know it doesn’t really matter to the
other person. I imagine most marriages
reach that point pretty quickly. There’s
a fart and maybe someone jokes about it, maybe it goes unacknowledged. But
with the average person farting 14 times a day, at some point farts probably
start getting boring.
Unless
they involve a Dutch Oven. Never
boring. Never not funny.
Fart Facts <---For some fun farting facts
Japanese Fart Scrolls <--- Japanese Fart Scrolls, because they are depicting a Fart Battle and that is hilarious.
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